i really dont know.

i've been staring at the blank screen with its blinking cursor for 'godknowshowlong'. i feel so stuck. at a complete loss as to what to do.

i know what i like, i know what i want. at least i thought i did. i mean i do, but can i really do it? and how? i dont know how.

its so damn hard. the lines. where are the lines? who erased them? they were never there.

its what i love. but can i really live on passion alone? is there any other way i COULD live? i dont think i would want to. i can't imagine myself doing anything else. yet i'm having a hard time actually doing it now.

so hard i want to just sit down in a corner and cry at the hopelessness of it all sometimes.

is it just the place? me? the wrong area? im trying... teach me.

i'm good enough. i know that. and i can be. i'm GOOD ENOUGH, damn it!

the future is big and bright. but its so god damned scary too.

what's happening next year? it kills me a little whenever someone askes me about uni. i dont know. i want, i wish, i hope and i pray. but what should i do? what's best?

expectations suck. especially other peoples'. i DONT KNOW okay? please. i need more time. to figure myself out. to figure my LIFE out. stop asking. when am i leaving? they care, but im freaking out. i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

i CAN'T screw it up now. not when i've come so far; learnt so much about myself.

being alone for the past month has been great. yet it's made me think even more about the future.

what am i going to do? i feel so lonely when i think about it all. i need someone to listen, yet i know nobody will really understand. because even i dont understand it myself. there's nobody, nobody at all.

lately, my mind has been a really lonely, dark place to be.

i try everyday. sometimes its okay, but mostly.. i just want to give up. because it makes me so sad.

someone told me today, that in life.. the best we can do is to be happy. so whatever you do, do it to be happy and you'll figure out the rest soon enough.

i found a small measure of comfort in that. maybe i only see the far. maybe i should pay more attention to the near.

i need my lines. where are they? and i need a hug. really badly.


i feel like a little girl
trying to conquer the whole wide world.
all i want to do is jump into bed
and wash away my toubles with lemonade.
all I need is a good disguise,
one where nobody can recognize
that I'm feeling so small.
all I need is a secret weapon
i've gotta have faith
zapping monsters into outer space


except, i'm 20. not a little girl.

so...

what are you going to do, gwyn?